hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
