i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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