It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
