'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
