I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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