just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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