It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
