Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
