Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
