dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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