We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You're earring is so big in my mouth
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
