that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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