we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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