I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
