Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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