Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
