i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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