You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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