and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
