Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
