she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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