You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
