The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
