did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
