so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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