after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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