Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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