He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
