I'm so fucking centered right now
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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