I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
