can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
