I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
