I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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