Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
