I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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