I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
