a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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