I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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