So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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