She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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