I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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