If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
