Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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