I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
