Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
