Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
