I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
