Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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