He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am available for nakedness
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
