also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
