you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
