If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
