my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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