Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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