Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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