508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Randomize
