I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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