I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
