Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
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May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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