I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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