Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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